masking me

Hidden underneath all the plastered smiles is a broken girl desperately trying to mask all  pain and emotion. She is fearful for anything worse to come. She is alone because she pushed everyone away not wanting to hurt them too.

Pretending to be whole when I’m shattered into a million pieces is so hard.

I wonder maybe if I would have been different, things could have and would have been better. Lately, I’ve been self-conscious on what to say, do, look like, and even at times, what I think. It consumes my thoughts, making me feel so restricted. It’s somewhat discouraging.

 

my fears

Similarly to how it is important to recognize what makes you happy, I believe it is also important to know your fears. This will allow you to overcome them – one fear at a time.

So here are my fears (in no particular order):

  1. the dark
  2. scary movies
  3. the unknown
  4. snakes
  5. spiders
  6. clowns
  7. rejection
  8. the future
  9. mirrors (at night)
  10. reflections at night
  11. being alone for a long time
  12. shadows
  13. ghosts
  14. failing
  15. dying
  16. heights
  17. embarrassment
  18. storms
  19. not being good enough
  20. speaking in front of large crowds
  21. scary halloween stuff
  22. being out late at night by myself

Things To Love About Myself

Self-discovery. Like what I said about self-reflection, it is also important to take a moment to discover yourself. You’ll find that you learn and be more aware of things about yourself, even if you already believe you know yourself very well.

To start this, I have created a list of things to answer the question of “What do I love about myself?”

  1. my intelligence
  2. my humor
  3. my laugh
  4. my work ethic
  5. my taste in movies
  6. my taste in music
  7. my taste in shows
  8. my photography skills
  9. my love for animals
  10. my love (adoration) for cats
  11. my ability to see the potential for things
  12. my ability to learn things quickly
  13. my writing skills
  14. my ability to [decently] play the violin
  15. my Asian hair
  16. my nails (even though they break a lot)
  17. my curiosity
  18. my generosity
  19. my refusal to go against what I believe in
  20. my passion for things I love
  21. my commitment to better health
  22. my time management skills
  23. my appetite
  24. my laziness
  25. my driving skills
  26. my stubbornness
  27. my memory
  28. my language learning skills
  29. my appreciation of nature
  30. my math skills
  31. my science skills
  32. my want to strive to do better
  33. my ethnicity
  34. my random cravings
  35. my odd way of doing certain things

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

 – Buddha

 

Meaningless happiness 

Life is a journey and to live, its to make the most of it and enjoy. To be able to do this, I feel it is important to do the things you love and are meaningful to you.

It’s also essential to take a step back from life and do a self-check. You should be content. You should be satisfied with how your life is going. You should be happy. 

It is difficult to live a meaningful life if you are unhappy with different aspects of your life. Because even though you are “sometimes” happy, the unhappiness will weigh down, making the happiness meaningless. It is even more difficult when you are just unhappy overall. For both cases, changes needed to be made.

For the past several months, my life has been a roller coaster. I have been dealing with a conflict with my family, making it difficult to keep my emotions together. 

Mind you, I am an emotional person. Yes there are times when I am more logical than emotional, but overall, emotions play a big role in my life. This means, sometimes, my emotions can get the best of me. They drive my actions and how I think. I understand this is a big flaw of mine.

Instead of trying to work through my emotions, I have decided to push them away and ignore them. I’ve begun to busy myself with school, work, and picking up new activities. I simply did not want to deal with it. However, when the topic does come up, I feel greatly overwhelmed and all the emotions I tucked away spill out of me.

This makes me realize that my self-check was long overdue. If I had done one earlier, I would have figured out that I do, in fact, need to sort out my emotions. Not only it affects me, it is affecting the people around me. To realize this sucks.

I am unhappy with how I deal with my emotions. I am unhappy with how I dealt with the situation. I am unhappy that I feel lost and unsure of what to do. These make me realize that maybe my life wasn’t as full of meaning as I thought it to be. It makes me realize that by avoiding the conflict, and trying to do things that make me happy to distract myself isn’t benefiting me. It’s only causing me to have meaningless happiness.

25 things to be happy about

I believe it is important to take the time to reflect your life every once in a while. It is also important to recognize what makes you happy – big or small.

Here is 25 things that I am happy about (in no particular order):

  1. cats
  2. watching my favorite shows
  3. getting a good nights rest (the absolute best since it doesn’t occur often)
  4. being on top of or ahead of things I need to do
  5. good grades
  6. lazy days
  7. spending time with people you care about
  8. watching Disney movies
  9. chicken nuggets
  10. ice cream
  11. cuddling
  12. late night food runs
  13. nature’s beauty
  14. going on trips
  15. doing new and different things
  16. learning something new
  17. drinking coffee and tea that was just made
  18. baking cookies
  19. feeling inspired
  20. falling asleep to the sound of rain
  21. seeing rainbows after a thunderstorm
  22. first snowfall of the year
  23. observing the things you planted grow
  24. warm showers after a long day
  25. starting a new book

it was and never is easy.

Life is not easy. Well, at least from my perspective.

It was and never is easy having difficult parents. Coming from and being raised by Asian parents is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to experience. They had strict rules and high expectations. These rules and expectations were things that I could never seem to fulfill despite how hard I worked and tried. Despite all my efforts, it was not enough.

It was and never is easy having all this weight on my shoulders to always do more, do better. I have learned, from a very young age that I had, that I needed to push myself. If I didn’t do that, then did I really try? This is what I believe to be one of the many seeds which grew to, and resulted in my anxiety. Although my parents have relieved some of the pressure to be academically successful, the weight remains. With the weight, there is stress, constant worrying, and restless nights.

It was and never is easy to seek happiness. There was a very large period of time in my life where I seemed to rarely experience happiness. Many days, were filled with sadness, uncertainty, and loneliness. And no it was not because I had depression. It was just that I spent the majority of time to do well in school and (attempt to) please my parents, there was seldom enough time to make myself happy.

This leads me to say…

It was and never is easy for me to come up with a list of things that make me happy. On the other hand, it is quite easy for me to name my fears and things that upset me.

It was and never is easy for me to think of myself first. I have learned, from my parents, to put my family first, before anyone else – including me. Therefore, it was and is difficult for me to say no to people I care about.

It was and never is easy for me to be me.

 

 

Uncertainty

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”
― Amit Ray
Blank lines. Frozen heart. Jumbled mind full of thoughts and swirling emotions.
It is unclear and undecided how I want to overcome the fear, anger, pain, sadness and joy combusted into a whirlwind and filling me with confusion.
I feel anxious when I think about what I want to do with myself.
I feel uncertain when approaching new, but familiar situations.
I feel worthless when I think about mistakes I have made.
I am scared and discouraged wondering if what I’ve done and who I am is good enough. Good enough to be accepted, favored, and loved.
But what reassures me is that I feel dignified when I think about what I accomplished and overcame.
Like Amit Ray said in the quote above, it is important to not dwell on the past and to simply focus on the present. You cannot change what had happened in the past, but you can change how your future turns out. Focus on reinventing and reshaping yourself to become a better you.