lost

At this point, I’m not sure what to feel or how to feel. There is so much going on and seems to be no positive outcome.

I feel that all my effort and emotions are not going to help anything. All I want is to be happy and be better. I can’t seem to get either.

Instead, I appear to be in a constant mess. I feel like I’m making everything worse. I feel like my effort and progress isn’t contributing to anything. All this uncertainty and waiting is driving me insane. I feel drained. I feel sad. I feel empty.

I’m sad to the point where it physically hurts. I’m sad I can’t express it fully. Instead, I have to mask it all. Smile and pretend everything is okay. Maybe my emotions will match what I’m faking.

I’m so lost on what to say and what to do.

Advertisements

insantiy

I feel like I’m going insane. So many thoughts and emotions are swirling through my mind. I don’t want to feel anything but I’m feeling everything.

It’s breaking me into pieces.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying so hard to be okay or at least appear okay. I’m trying to be positive. There is that little voice in my head, that always lingers around that tells me and makes me feel all sorts of negative things. I can’t help that. At least not yet anyway.

But since when was trying not enough. I’m giving everything I got.

I don’t know how much longer I can stand this. To try so hard and get nothing.

i’m sorry

I’m so sorry.

In the beginning, everything was great. We were happy, in love, and great. I told you about my anxiety and my emotional regulation issues. You were fine with it and understanding. You were there to help me work through it.

But over time, as the relationship progressed, I let all my walls down. That’s when everything spilled out. All my worries, fears, emotions, irrational thoughts. Everything. Still, you tried to be patient. You tried to be there for me. You tried to help me be better. However, my behavior seemed to not budge. You were still there.

Gradually, my mental health seemed to worsen. I became a disaster. A ticking time bomb. My emotions were unpredictable. I felt lost. You tried to pick me back up on my feet. Telling me that’s it’s okay and to just keep on trying.

I tried. I looked up strategies, tried some mindfulness, tried exercise. Nothing seemed to completely work.

Although I became less of a trainwreck, and many days seemed to pass where everything was okay, there was always that one day where everything came crashing down. It was as if nothing had changed. It was as if no progress has been made. You didn’t understand and quite frankly, neither I did I.

We fought. We cried. We tried again. Still. It was as if we were building a house of cards. One mistake. One wrong action. Everything fell down.

Months had already passed. There was little progress. But there wasn’t enough. You weren’t there anymore. You had enough.

I fought with myself relentlessly. With many late nights and tears, I tried to come up with whatever I could have that could potentially be a solution.

I just want you to be there when things get hard. I know it isn’t easy to ask you to be part of my life when many of the times my moods are unpredictable. I know it isn’t fair to you when I let you down when I fall apart. Regardless of everything, I will love the shit out of you even though most of the time it’s hard to love myself. I’m willing to listen and accept criticism when things aren’t going so well. I know it has been really really hard. I’m just scared that all these setbacks and everything just made me unloveable to you.

Despite it all, I’m sorry and thank you. I’m sorry for putting you through this. I’m sorry my anxiety, my emotions, and my behavior have been hard to deal with. I’m sorry for being draining. I’m sorry for making this slowly become unbearable. But thank you. Thank you for being there for the time you were. Thank you for reminding me that there is something, well many things, about myself to love.

I’m sorry my mental health slowly decayed it all.

progress

Today I have realized I have wonderful people in my life who have an amazing view of me and are there for me despite what I say, do, or may think. These are some of the people I should treasure and hold on to because not many people are able to find such incredible friendships like I have.

I also realized I have come a long way in regards to my anxiety and depression. It isn’t going to be easy. It is going to take time. But slow and steady progress will all be worthwhile.

emotions

Emotions. They define who we are. They are the basis to how we act and think. They play a major role in our lives daily, but they are uncontrollable. While they can be restrained and hidden, they will always be there. You will never be able to choose and determine how you feel. However, you can choose how you act because of the emotions.

I have a difficult time managing my emotions. I allow myself to get too emotional. I allow myself to let my emotions define who I am and determine how I act.

I always manage to allow myself to become too close, too attached, and too vulnerable. It causes me to overthink things, worry, and panic. It makes me feel self-conscious of my actions and what I say. I feel like if I do or say something the slightest bit wrong, it would all be over. It makes me get sensitive and doubtful. I get upset over the smallest things and get happy easily. I doubt if everything is real and true.

Most of all, I doubt and wonder if this is too good to be true.

masking me

Hidden underneath all the plastered smiles is a broken girl desperately trying to mask all  pain and emotion. She is fearful for anything worse to come. She is alone because she pushed everyone away not wanting to hurt them too.

Pretending to be whole when I’m shattered into a million pieces is so hard.

I wonder maybe if I would have been different, things could have and would have been better. Lately, I’ve been self-conscious on what to say, do, look like, and even at times, what I think. It consumes my thoughts, making me feel so restricted. It’s somewhat discouraging.

 

my fears

Similarly to how it is important to recognize what makes you happy, I believe it is also important to know your fears. This will allow you to overcome them – one fear at a time.

So here are my fears (in no particular order):

  1. the dark
  2. scary movies
  3. the unknown
  4. snakes
  5. spiders
  6. clowns
  7. rejection
  8. the future
  9. mirrors (at night)
  10. reflections at night
  11. being alone for a long time
  12. shadows
  13. ghosts
  14. failing
  15. dying
  16. heights
  17. embarrassment
  18. storms
  19. not being good enough
  20. speaking in front of large crowds
  21. scary halloween stuff
  22. being out late at night by myself

you

You. Your eyes. Your smile. Your voice. Your laugh. Your touch. Just you. Absolutely incredible. You managed to take over my mind and thoughts, and be what I think about so often. I wonder frequently if its just me who feels this way. Your cute remarks make my heart flutter. Your laugh fills me with joy. Your hugs give me warmth.

I was lost once I looked into your eyes and saw the glistening spark that I adored. It held excitement and adventure. So captivating.

Things To Love About Myself

Self-discovery. Like what I said about self-reflection, it is also important to take a moment to discover yourself. You’ll find that you learn and be more aware of things about yourself, even if you already believe you know yourself very well.

To start this, I have created a list of things to answer the question of “What do I love about myself?”

  1. my intelligence
  2. my humor
  3. my laugh
  4. my work ethic
  5. my taste in movies
  6. my taste in music
  7. my taste in shows
  8. my photography skills
  9. my love for animals
  10. my love (adoration) for cats
  11. my ability to see the potential for things
  12. my ability to learn things quickly
  13. my writing skills
  14. my ability to [decently] play the violin
  15. my Asian hair
  16. my nails (even though they break a lot)
  17. my curiosity
  18. my generosity
  19. my refusal to go against what I believe in
  20. my passion for things I love
  21. my commitment to better health
  22. my time management skills
  23. my appetite
  24. my laziness
  25. my driving skills
  26. my stubbornness
  27. my memory
  28. my language learning skills
  29. my appreciation of nature
  30. my math skills
  31. my science skills
  32. my want to strive to do better
  33. my ethnicity
  34. my random cravings
  35. my odd way of doing certain things

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

 – Buddha