I’m so sorry.
In the beginning, everything was great. We were happy, in love, and great. I told you about my anxiety and my emotional regulation issues. You were fine with it and understanding. You were there to help me work through it.
But over time, as the relationship progressed, I let all my walls down. That’s when everything spilled out. All my worries, fears, emotions, irrational thoughts. Everything. Still, you tried to be patient. You tried to be there for me. You tried to help me be better. However, my behavior seemed to not budge. You were still there.
Gradually, my mental health seemed to worsen. I became a disaster. A ticking time bomb. My emotions were unpredictable. I felt lost. You tried to pick me back up on my feet. Telling me that’s it’s okay and to just keep on trying.
I tried. I looked up strategies, tried some mindfulness, tried exercise. Nothing seemed to completely work.
Although I became less of a trainwreck, and many days seemed to pass where everything was okay, there was always that one day where everything came crashing down. It was as if nothing had changed. It was as if no progress has been made. You didn’t understand and quite frankly, neither I did I.
We fought. We cried. We tried again. Still. It was as if we were building a house of cards. One mistake. One wrong action. Everything fell down.
Months had already passed. There was little progress. But there wasn’t enough. You weren’t there anymore. You had enough.
I fought with myself relentlessly. With many late nights and tears, I tried to come up with whatever I could have that could potentially be a solution.
I just want you to be there when things get hard. I know it isn’t easy to ask you to be part of my life when many of the times my moods are unpredictable. I know it isn’t fair to you when I let you down when I fall apart. Regardless of everything, I will love the shit out of you even though most of the time it’s hard to love myself. I’m willing to listen and accept criticism when things aren’t going so well. I know it has been really really hard. I’m just scared that all these setbacks and everything just made me unloveable to you.
Despite it all, I’m sorry and thank you. I’m sorry for putting you through this. I’m sorry my anxiety, my emotions, and my behavior have been hard to deal with. I’m sorry for being draining. I’m sorry for making this slowly become unbearable. But thank you. Thank you for being there for the time you were. Thank you for reminding me that there is something, well many things, about myself to love.
I’m sorry my mental health slowly decayed it all.