it was and never is easy.

Life is not easy. Well, at least from my perspective.

It was and never is easy having difficult parents. Coming from and being raised by Asian parents is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to experience. They had strict rules and high expectations. These rules and expectations were things that I could never seem to fulfill despite how hard I worked and tried. Despite all my efforts, it was not enough.

It was and never is easy having all this weight on my shoulders to always do more, do better. I have learned, from a very young age that I had, that I needed to push myself. If I didn’t do that, then did I really try? This is what I believe to be one of the many seeds which grew to, and resulted in my anxiety. Although my parents have relieved some of the pressure to be academically successful, the weight remains. With the weight, there is stress, constant worrying, and restless nights.

It was and never is easy to seek happiness. There was a very large period of time in my life where I seemed to rarely experience happiness. Many days, were filled with sadness, uncertainty, and loneliness. And no it was not because I had depression. It was just that I spent the majority of time to do well in school and (attempt to) please my parents, there was seldom enough time to make myself happy.

This leads me to say…

It was and never is easy for me to come up with a list of things that make me happy. On the other hand, it is quite easy for me to name my fears and things that upset me.

It was and never is easy for me to think of myself first. I have learned, from my parents, to put my family first, before anyone else – including me. Therefore, it was and is difficult for me to say no to people I care about.

It was and never is easy for me to be me.

 

 

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